More of our Journey...

Posting at almost midnight because I can't sleep. I'll pay for this tomorrow! ha! Here goes:

I'd called my friend to come to my computer and look at the information I was reading. She didn't say anything, just offered a comforting hug and hand on my shoulder as I read. I printed out the questionnaire I'd completed and took it home with me.

That chilly December afternoon, I called a lady from the IEP team at the school system's central office and told her, "Mrs. C., I think Daniel may have autism." She replied, "I'm so glad you found this information on your own. We were just about to call you for another IEP meeting to request an evaluation We've been seeing the red flags for a few months now, but wanted to give him a chance at speech/language therapy to see how he did. When he didn't progress, we knew the time had come to have him evaluated." Quietly, as she explained the process and the delays they'd seen in Daniel, I covered my mouth with a trembling hand and wept.

That afternoon, I picked my boys up from school and daycare, hugged them a little tighter, and started making phone calls. After several phone calls to different agencies, and after my family had all gone to bed, I walked into my laundry room, exhausted, and fell to my knees. I began to cry, and I beat up a laundry basket in anger. I wiped my face and nose on someone's dirty sock. I hurt. I ached. I longed for my son. I grieved. But I couldn't pray. I was angry, so I wrote. As I wrote, God spoke and calmed my fears. Like the Loving Father He is, He patted my back, and with His still, small Voice said, "I know, child. I know." This is what I wrote that night. I hope you'll see God moving through the emotions.

I'm afraid he'll hurt.
I'm afraid he'll cry -
and I'm afraid someday
he might ask me why....
and I won't have an answer.
Ah, but God knows.

Oh, what a specter!
Such an evil thing
has cast us in the shadow
of it's awful blackened wing...
and all within me hates it.
Ah, but God knows.

Tomorrow seems uncertain.
Is his future bleak?
I'm not sure I've got enough...
my faith just feels so weak...
and I don't know how to help him.
Ah, but God knows.

Soon dawn will be breaking
beginning a new day.
I sit before Him weeping -
since I just can't seem to pray...
and my mommy's heart is broken.
Ah, but God knows.

God knows the pain.
He's felt every sorrow.
He sees broken dreams -
He holds our tomorrows...
and I can't help but praise Him!
Ah, but God knows.
God knows!


And with that, I walked across the Bridge of Nevertheless. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done, Lord. I have the word posted all over my house. My faith is very important to me, my reliance on God a very real part of my life. In the beginning, Nevertheless was a reminder that God's Will will never harm us, even if it sometimes hurts. Today, it stands as a reminder of the miracles He has brought into our lives and home.