“Aren’t you the little one that hid in my arms afraid of the thunder?  Are these the little hands that held so tight to mine?  Didn’t we both agree you’d never grow up, and now here we are and here you go? Of all the things I want to say, the thing you really need to know is, I believe in you. Everything you are. Everything you are becoming. I believe in you.” (Steven Curtis Chapman)

Tomorrow, my firstborn son – the child who made me a mother – will turn 21 years old.  I have to be honest and say that this week has been very emotional for me.  I can’t tell you how many times it has hit me and I’ve dissolved into tears.  I’m not sure if all moms go through this when their first child becomes an adult – a full-fledged, legal-in-the-eyes-of-the-world (and the law) actual ADULT. I’m not sure what is causing the emotional upheaval for me – he isn’t getting married, isn’t moving away from home…nothing much is changing except a number…so why does it feel so very much like EVERYTHING is changing?  Why do I feel as if I’m losing my boy? 

I guess, technically, I am losing my boy-son and gaining a man-son. I’ve never been the mother of a man before; I’m not sure I know how one mothers a man.  What if he doesn’t need me for advice anymore?  What if he does? Will I know what to say? I remember asking myself similar questions 21 years ago as I watched my belly grow with his new little life.  What if?  But, what IF?  I was terrified then, and I think I’m terrified now.  Then, of what I was gaining, and now, of what I might be losing.  It makes me sad to think that, as he ages, he won’t need me in the same way he has in the past.  Oh, over the years, as he has grown toward this milestone birthday, he has become increasingly independent – but something about this birthday feels different, transitional. I don’t think I like it. 

“So many prayers we’ve prayed; so many dreams to get to this moment. Now this is where we stay, while you go change the world. But I’ll be where I have always been – up in the stands, cheering you on, and singing this song. The song the very God Who made you has been singing all along, ‘I believe in you. Yeah, I believe in you.  So spread your wings and fly on the winds of knowing I always believe in you.’”

Ah, this man who is my son.  I’m so proud of him.  He has given me more gray hairs that I can count; the worry wrinkles on my brow are my tattoos of motherhood.  I haven’t been a perfect mother, which is perfect because he wasn’t always the perfect son.  Despite his missteps, occasional rebellion, and a thousand other gray hair and wrinkle producing behaviors, he was and always has been a good kid.  From a very young age, he decided that music was his future, and set his face like flint in that direction, learning as many instruments as he could get his hands on, teaching himself how to play them.  He practiced for hours in his room, door closed, over and over again until it was just so.  Then he would come out and play it for me.  He didn’t know that I had already been listening, ear pressed to his door, silently crouched in the hallway, unseen and unheard, my heart singing along.  He was – and is – dogged in his pursuit of perfection.  I am his biggest fan. 

“And when you rise and when you fall, I’ll still believe in you. Just close your eyes and hear me calling, ‘I believe in you. Oh, I believe in you!”

From his very first performance in front of a crowd – he was 8 or 9 years old, and he played Third Day’s “God of Wonders”, he has always been comfortable on a stage, in front of people. He has always had this intrinsic ability to draw in a crowd; to engage them, to encourage them to join him in song – or in worship. He can lead the people of God into worship, because he has known the place of worship. Even on the few occasions he has performed secular songs in various venues, he still interacts with the crowd and ensures that they are not just observers, but participants in the music.

His dreams are slowly but surely coming to fruition.  He is becoming known in ever-widening circles of musical-type people.  He is centered and based in the amazing worship team at our church.  That is his primary focus, as it should be, but he also now travels to lend his talents and skills to other worship leaders in surrounding areas, and even other states.  I’m so PROUD that he has chosen to pursue the Christian music industry as a singer/songwriter/worship leader.  His is a high calling, given by God at a very young age, and I have no doubt God will complete the work He began in my boy. 

If time shows that his dreams need to be reexamined, perhaps redefined a bit, I will still believe in him, wholeheartedly. That’s sort of my job as his mother, right?

Young mommy, cherish your sleepless nights, little toothless grins – or if your children are a little older, love the busy schedules, the endless homework, even the rolling eyes.  It all passes so quickly, and before you know it – before you’re ready – you’ll be facing a milestone birthday…the last single digit…the first “teen” year…DRIVER’S LICENSES…the first 20…and then, like me, 21.

It’s funny, as I began typing this two days ago, I truly was worried that I would become a part of his childhood, laid aside like his toys – another trapping of childhood no longer needed.  Today, as I pondered the way I could possibly end this Blahg with so many questions still remaining in my heart, my phone rang.  It was my man-son calling to tell me that his car had broken down about 40 miles from home as he traveled to play with our worship team at another church, and he didn’t know what to do.  I listened as he griped, as he told me I wasn’t helping with the advice I was giving him and I pointed out that it was because I was telling him what he needed to hear & do, not what he wanted to hear & do.  I was frustrated with him, and he with me….and soon I realized – yep…I’m still his mom.  A couple of numbers won’t change that.  There will always be help needed, advice to be given, and rescues to be orchestrated.  So, in true Mom fashion, I donned my cape (glad I hadn’t yet stored it away like a pressed rose!), secured he and his equipment a ride home with loving church family, and explained how we would handle getting him to a commitment early tomorrow morning.  Then, I gave him the phone number to Roadside Assistance.  You go, boy-man! You call that Tow Truck! J

I love how God answers our questions, and calms our uncertainties. I’m pretty sure He giggled as He orchestrated THIS rescue of this mom’s worried heart. I can almost hear Him whisper, “Oh, he will need you for a while yet…watch this…” Shhhhh…don’t tell my boy-man that I giggled along. 

Happy Birthday, Son.  You will always, always be my baby, and I will always, always be your Mom….even when you don’t want me to be.  I love you. 

“Physical training is good, but training for Godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come.”  1 Timothy 4:8

 

Reading that Scripture set me to pondering.  I don’t know about you, but the older I get, the more like a toad I feel.  The metabolism is slower, the weight is harder to lose, and the chins.  Let’s not even talk about the chins.  Okay, let’s talk about them a little..I have this no-so-irrational fear that one day I’m going to sneeze and my chins are going to inflate like a big old bullfrog.  Children are afraid their eyes will pop out when they sneeze.  Not me. I’m afraid of the chin balloon.

Getting older stinks.  My knees make noises, my back aches, my stomach seemingly tries to devour itself with acid, gravity has a ridiculous hold on body parts unmentionable (this is a family oriented Blahg after all).  Folks, I can hear myself wrinkling.

You know, in your car or your home, when a thermostat stops working properly, you replace it, yes?  I’m fairly certain my thermostat has gone out in this traitorous old body of mine.  One minute I’m chilly…the next, my hair is on fire. What is the deal??  Where exactly is this faulty thermostat located, and where can I buy a new one?  Jiminy Cricket – why is there no middle ground here?! 

What, you ask, does any of that have to do with the scripture posted at the top of this page?  Everything, I tell you. Everything.  I don’t LIKE being a toad.  I don’t LIKE getting older and dealing with the aches and pains, weakness and fatigue, sags and wrinkles of an aging body. I LOATHE the hot flashes.  My husband might tell you I have mood swings on top of all of that….he MIGHT…if he weren’t afraid of me…

Yeah, getting older stinks, and if you’re anything like me, you’re finding it increasingly difficult to manage “physical training”, or at the very least, you’ve altered the way you train your body to accommodate new weaknesses and pains.  That’s okay.  Getting older is part of living; we gain wisdom as we gain mileage.  I’m okay (ish) with that. 

Exercising your body is necessary to good heart health, increasing energy, regulating mood, lowering cholesterol, and strengthening aging muscles, among other things, yes.  But, the benefit is limited to this life – such a short time, really.  As the Scripture above tells us, it is training in Godliness that will benefit us not only here in our daily lives, but also in eternity. It is this training in Godliness that reveals to us the mind and heart of God toward us.  It is this training that steadies the heart, gives peace to the mind, and encourages the spirit.  It is this training that floods us with joy, fills us with promise, and works through us with power.  It is this training that allows us to become conduits of the Grace, Mercy, and Love of God to the world around us.  Training…what a funny word to use for an act of Love….we “train”(spend time in His Word, spend time in His Presence) because we love vertically – we love God, we desire to know Him as much as He can possibly be known this side of eternity…and, conversely, we love horizontally because we “train” vertically…we love people, we desire that they come to know Him so we “train” in order to be ministers – ADministering the Kingdom of God to the world around us.  This is the training that is eternal. 

Getting older stinks.  That’s just truth.  But physical age and ability mean nothing in the Kingdom.  It’s all about the heart of His People – toward Him, toward others. We learn because we love; we love because we’ve learned – and we do it all because He first loved us.  It’s pretty simple, really.  My body may fail me, but my Lord never will.  Because of His Faithfulness, I desire to be faithful. And so I train myself in Godliness, desiring the benefits that it brings for myself – and for others. 

Speaking of hot flashes – they are of God, you know.  See Revelation 3:16….apparently, there’s not supposed to BE any middle ground. 

Dang it. 

What shall I talk about today?  My brain is completely empty of ideas.  So, I sit here typing random words, watching the letters push the cursor across the blank page, hoping that inspiration comes. Funny how I long so much to write, yet struggle terribly with coming up with subject matter.  And the letters continue to push the cursor, and the brain continues to be blank.  I think about my every day, and how little time I have for just sitting here doing this.  Probably busy-ness is the culprit for my lack of creativity; I’m sure there’s a legitimate reason – I simply don’t have time to sit down and be creative unless I take the time.  Even now, I’m thinking of all the things that I should be up doing instead.  The things of life that are necessary for the every days to continue uninterrupted:  Laundry, dishwashing, cleaning…..the mundane tasks of living that get in the way of the things we’d rather be doing. 

I wonder how much of our lives are spent that way?  I wonder if God intends us to live in the mundane of the every days? I really think the answer to both of those questions is no. Oh, I know that God understands that every days are vital in our lives – we work, we do our chores, we go to school, we eat and sleep and do it all again tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.  I don’t think He is troubled by that.  But I do think He has more for us.  I think His Design for us is much more that we can imagine. 

It’s funny.  The two paragraphs above were started a week ago, early one morning. Then, as usual, I had to start my day, and never returned to finish my thoughts. Over the weekend, we had a guest speaker at church, and she answered my questions above.  She said, “You’ve got to learn to stand in the Glory, experience the Glory, yet still function in the earth.  Every day should be a supernatural occurrence.” ~Ruth Mangiacapre

Then she shared from Ephesians 5:15-20 which says, “So be careful how you live.  Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise.  Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days.  Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.  Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts.  And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (NLT)

It isn’t easy.  We are, after all, bound by time; it’s just one of the complications of life this side of eternity. But it’s possible.  It’s even practical.  Think about it with me.  With man it’s not possible, but with God nothing is impossible, right (Matthew 19:26)?  In Him, we live and move and have our being, correct (Acts 17:28)?  We know these Scriptures.  They are as familiar to us as is John 3:16.  Have we truly considered them, though, as our means for living out our daily lives? Try to follow me here: If nothing is impossible with God, shouldn’t everything we do be “with God”?  If we live and move and have our being “in Him” – are we ever apart from Him?  Of course not.  So, if we are at all times “in Him”, then it follows that everything we do is “with God”. Do you see how those two Scriptures intertwine with each other, and with our daily lives?  Now, I know I’m no Bible scholar, and I’m probably grossly over-simplifying two very deep and meaningful Scriptures. I’ve often heard it said that the Word of God is like an onion, and you peel back layer after layer after layer as you delve deeper into each Scripture’s meaning….so bear with me while we look at the outer layers. You okay with simple?  Good.  Me, too.  I like simple.  It fits me.  J

I know. I KNOW.  Easier said than done.  You’re so not telling me anything I don’t already know. Let me tell you, though.  I know people.  People who live each day of their lives in just this way.  Full of the Spirit of God, walking in Kingdom Authority, accomplishing amazing things for God – and live out their every days getting done all the things that life demands of them.  Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that a few of them are like Dash from The Incredibles, able to move at speeds that aren’t visible to the naked eye. 

Oh sure, as with anything, there’s a learning curve to this lifestyle.  It’s a shift in our thinking, a setting in place a list of priorities, perhaps scheduling out our days or weeks. How we accomplish it will look different for each one of us, simply because our every days are so radically different.  How easy it would be if there were a formula to it.  We don’t serve a formulaic God, however, so life in His Service won’t be spelled out that way.  “After all, He’s not a tame Lion…but He is good.” I think that is pretty much the crux of the matter.  He is good.  He desires more for our lives. He desires that we accomplish great things for Him as well as accomplish the duties of our every days.  Now, lest you worry that a “great thing for God” only consists of a trip to Myanmar to feed orphans or something, keep in mind that God tells us that, “WHATEVER you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord rather than for people (Col. 3:23).” And “I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it for Me (Matt. 25:40).”  Something else our guest speaker said this weekend, “We deal with our lives as days, but God deals in them as seasons.”  No matter what season you happen to be in today, there is a purpose for it, and God still desires you to do great things for Him.  Whether it is cleaning a tiny little bottom & wiping a runny nose before it drips down into a snaggle-toothed smile, or laying hands on the sick & watching them recover – the season you are in is God’s Design for your every days right now.  They won’t always look this way; seasons change, and the tasks that we are called to do each day change with them. Treasure your season. Live and move and BE in Him, because there is nothing impossible as long as you are with Him. You ARE accomplishing great things – even the tiny things are great when they’re done for Him and with Him.

Authors Note: Yes.  Sometimes my Blahg meanders along with my mind, and what began as one topic may swing into something different before I’m finished with it.  My fingers follow my mind, just as the letters follow the cursor….or do the letters push the cursor?  Either way, when you read my Blahg, read it as a conversation – we’re just talking, you & I.  Just as a conversation flows from topic to topic, bending, twisting, turning and returning, so you’ll find that my Blahg often does the same, and I write exactly as if I were just talking to you.  I hope it’s not all too confusing.

3/2/2015

 

Today is my 49^th birthday.  It’s hard to believe, really.  I don’t FEEL 49.  Well, okay, maybe in body…but definitely not in mind or spirit.  I still feel like a young person – maybe mid 20’s?  I like to think of myself as young at heart, with a reasonably sharp mind, and youthful spirit.  Heck, I like to THINK of myself as a size 8, with sharp eyesight, smooth skin, and muscle tone.  I reckon it’s my thinking and I can do it any way I want, right? 

 

Yep. I’m getting older.  Hopefully wiser is going along with that at a comfortable pace.  I’m not yet to the “repeating stories” age.  I’m thankful for that.  Plus, I’m not yet to the “repeating stories” age…so clearly I’m not old.  There’s a difference between being old and just getting older.  Let me give you some examples:  My dad is at the “repeating stories” age.  My mom is at the “can’t remember if I told you this story” age.  My husband is at the “you did NOT tell me that” age.  Me – I’m just at the “I was going to tell you something, but forgot what it was” age.  My oldest son is at the “you can’t tell me anything” age, and my youngest is at the “yeah, yeah, I know. You already told me that; I get it!” age.

I’ll tell you another age that I’ve reached…the age where I wonder what my legacy will be.  As a mother, I know that part of my legacy will be in my children, and in their children and so forth.  My Davey is well on his way to living out the dreams he has always had of being a singer/songwriter/musician/worship leader.  I remember walking into the living room one day when he was about 4 years old.  There was a video playing of an old contemporary Christian group, 4-Him, singing a song called “A Man You Would Write About”, and there was my Davey, standing in front of the TV, both hands in the air singing the lyrics to this song at the top of his lungs.  “I wanna be a man that You would write about. Oh, a thousand years from now that they could read about – The servant of choice in whom You found favor – a man who heard Your Voice.”  Oh, his journey here to this place of purpose hasn’t been easy or smooth.  The boy built his testimony; I’ll give him that.  Let me break down the word for you – Test, I moany (or money!).  But he has come out on the other side with an understanding of Grace, Mercy, and the unmerited Favor & Love of God that I truly believe he will carry the rest of his days – and share with others through his passion for music that glorifies God.  I’m proud to have him as part of my legacy. 

My Daniel, also, is a huge part of my legacy.  Because he’s still in high school, we don’t yet know what path he will choose for his life, but we can look back and see that his life has been a testimony to perseverance, patience, and love.  From a very young child with few words, and a host of the idiosyncrasies that accompany autism, to a young man who consistently tests at the top of his class in all things language oriented, has friends, an amazing talent at drawing, singing, and songwriting (which he is often too shy to share – but trust me – he’s every bit as talented musically as his brother!), who hopes someday to be a computer animator, creating his own characters & story lines…Daniel’s life is a testament to the power of prayer and sheer determination.  (Hey, Pixar! In a few years, have I got a guy for you!!)

So, indeed – my children are truly a part of my legacy.  They’re also my current retirement plan, but that’s a different blahg all together!

There’s nothing like a birthday to fire up the old introspective mood, is there?  “Dude, I’m 49 years old, and what do I have to show for it?”  It’s easy to look outward – at your children – and see that you weren’t a perfect parent, but you were okay and they’re okay and it’s all gonna be okay. Someone – couldn’t tell ya who – said, “There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots.  The other is wings.”  I think, hope, PRAY – I’ve done that…. But it’s the looking inward – realllllly looking inward – that gets scary.  Man, I don’t want to leave the earth and stand before God with nothing to show Him for the time that He has given me here. Erma Bombeck once said, “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything You gave me’.” There’s my heart, right there. 

 

It can be concerning, this introspection.  It doesn’t have to be.  What does God ask of me?  Micah 6:8 spells it out, “O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you:  to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.” Oh, those are not the ONLY things He asks of us – but I think all the specifics stem from these generalities.  Bear each other’s burdens, take up my cross & follow Him, love as He did, be His Hands & Feet, give, grow, seek His Face, worship Him alone, be courageous, defend the weak, be kind, don’t worry, be faithful, stand firm trusting Him, preach the Word, avoid evil, embrace righteousness, be honest, know Him.  The list goes on and on…it looks pretty intimidating, huh?  Really – really – it’s just about Love.  Loving like Jesus did.  Loving Him, loving others, and seeing ourselves through His Eyes enough to know who we are in Him so that we can love Him, love others, and see ourselves through His Eyes….you get the picture? 

I think, perhaps, Legacy is not so much about having the world remember US when we’re gone, but more about how the world views Him because our lives were lived in a way that pointed to Him.  Charles Spurgeon once said, “A good character is the best tombstone. Those who love you, and were helped by you, will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered.  Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.” And I think that’s really the crux of this thing Legacy.  In the grand scheme of things, it’s not about how we are remembered.  It’s about how HE is remembered because we lived.  My life – your life – is about how we walk with God.  My Legacy – your Legacy – is about who we touched for God.  One life touched with the Love of God by a Lover of God will echo not only throughout the history of earth, but throughout eternity as well.  They become our Legacy – a hundred years from now, our names may not be heard in the halls of memory, except perhaps in Family Tree listings…but a hundred years from now, there will be someone alive who is a Lover of God simply because someone you once touched, touched someone else..and so forth and so on – until time passes away and we stand before God all joined together, dots all connected, lines all drawn – and we see clearly our Legacy and know that it always was and always will be about Him.