One day a while back, I had been listening to a Chris Rice CD, and there’s a song called "Questions for Heaven". And I started thinkin’ (I’m prone to do that from time to time...smell the wood burnin’?)...if I could make a list of questions for Heaven - what would they be? I remember pondering that most of the day one day, and then I sat down to write them down (so I won’t forget when I get there, donchaknow...cuz I reckon I’m gonna take that paper with me...).
So, here’s a few of my questions for heaven - what would YOUR questions be?
As You walked upon this earth, man-God, did You ever lay back on the ground and watch the clouds pass by?
Did You ever watch the stars at night & remember when You created them and how they sang to You? Did they sing again?
Were animals drawn to You while You were here?
Did You ever watch an approaching storm and know the storehouse from whence the lightning came?
What was the first thing You ever built as a carpenter? Did the Creator in You feel frustration at Your human limitations?
As a Child, did You ever catch snow on Your tongue? Rain? Did it snow there?
Did You ever stand on the shore of the ocean, or the edge of the Sea of Galilee, and remember when You drew a line in the sand and declared, "This far your proud waves may come and no further." Did You ever replay that with Your human finger? Was it unsatisfying?
Did You ever look at an ocean and remember holding its waters in Your Hand?
Did You ever look at someone and think to Yourself, "She has six million, four hundred two thousand eight hundred and three hairs on her head." Did you giggle because no one knew what You were thinking?
Did You ever see a crucifixion and look upon it with knowing Eyes? Were You afraid? Did You moan, dreading Your own?
Did You ever stare into a fire and weep in desperate longing for those souls who would reject You - knowing they were going to suffer hell?
As You grew into a man, did You ever smile in delight ~ enjoying being Your own Creation?
Did You take flowers to Your mother?
As a Baby, when Your cries broke the silence of the night, were You weeping for lost humanity ~ for Your Father ~ for Home?
Did You look upon the sands of the seashore and see faces ~ remembering Your Promise to Abraham?
Did You play with John as a Child? What did You play ~ or talk about?
Do You smile as I write my questions, laughing at how simple it all will seem then, even as I sit with reeling mind ~ and emotions?
What was Your favorite food here? Your favorite flower? Song? Dance? Scent?
Did You ever watch the sunrise or sunset and know that Your Daddy painted it especially for You?
Do You get tired of questions?
And at the end of my list, I wrote: It occurred to me - there is a difference between being a believer in God and a follower of God. I will be a follower of God.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
No-AH!
Originally posted August 26th, 2008
This morning, Daniel and I were headed to his school. As we drove over Coldwater Creek, I slowed down for him to look at the creek overflowing its banks (for you locals, it was touching the bottom of the "little bridge", and was into the parking lot on both sides.). He asked if, when it stops raining "day after tomorrow", we could come swimming. I answered, "No-ah." (You'll have to say it out loud to get the full effect...go ahead, look around to see if anyone is nearby, I'll wait...............coast clear? Okay, say it with me, "No-ah." stress on the Ah. Got it? Good.) Naturally, his answer was, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-ah?" to which I gave my most motherly reply, "Becuz-ah." So, startin' his whineeeeeee, he said, "Can we, Mommmmm???" Not one to back down easily and give in (yah,right), I repeated, "Noooo-ah."
Apparently, my meandering mind is a genetic thing because my spawn, er, son, then said, "Hey. NOAH! I know who that is!! But...who's Becuz-ah?" Thinkin' on my feet, er, seat, I replied, "Um...Noah's wife??"
He pondered that a minute and giggled and said, "Really?" Then I told him that Noah's wife's name isn't mentioned in the Bible, which must have really been hard on the preacher that married them - "Do you Noah, take, er, um, er, ohhhhh...um...What's-her-name here to be your lawfully wedded wife?" and "Do you, er, um, er, ohhhhh...Whoever-you-are take Noah to be your lawfully wedded husband?" (Parental Distraction Tactic successful: Mission Accomplished!) And he laughed & forgot all about swimming in the creek.
So, I dropped him off at school, and headed home, recalled our "conversation", and my MM took over & I thought to myself, "Self....wonder what one's gotta do to NOT get her name written down in the Bible when her husband is pretty doggone famous?" Self didn't have an answer, and neither do I. It IS a curious question, though, don't you think? I did, however, tickle myself with the thought, "Hmm...wonder if after this election is over, if BO doesn't win -will his wife go down in the history books as Mama Obama?" I giggled quietly to myself all the way home.
Love to all!
This morning, Daniel and I were headed to his school. As we drove over Coldwater Creek, I slowed down for him to look at the creek overflowing its banks (for you locals, it was touching the bottom of the "little bridge", and was into the parking lot on both sides.). He asked if, when it stops raining "day after tomorrow", we could come swimming. I answered, "No-ah." (You'll have to say it out loud to get the full effect...go ahead, look around to see if anyone is nearby, I'll wait...............coast clear? Okay, say it with me, "No-ah." stress on the Ah. Got it? Good.) Naturally, his answer was, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-ah?" to which I gave my most motherly reply, "Becuz-ah." So, startin' his whineeeeeee, he said, "Can we, Mommmmm???" Not one to back down easily and give in (yah,right), I repeated, "Noooo-ah."
Apparently, my meandering mind is a genetic thing because my spawn, er, son, then said, "Hey. NOAH! I know who that is!! But...who's Becuz-ah?" Thinkin' on my feet, er, seat, I replied, "Um...Noah's wife??"
He pondered that a minute and giggled and said, "Really?" Then I told him that Noah's wife's name isn't mentioned in the Bible, which must have really been hard on the preacher that married them - "Do you Noah, take, er, um, er, ohhhhh...um...What's-her-name here to be your lawfully wedded wife?" and "Do you, er, um, er, ohhhhh...Whoever-you-are take Noah to be your lawfully wedded husband?" (Parental Distraction Tactic successful: Mission Accomplished!) And he laughed & forgot all about swimming in the creek.
So, I dropped him off at school, and headed home, recalled our "conversation", and my MM took over & I thought to myself, "Self....wonder what one's gotta do to NOT get her name written down in the Bible when her husband is pretty doggone famous?" Self didn't have an answer, and neither do I. It IS a curious question, though, don't you think? I did, however, tickle myself with the thought, "Hmm...wonder if after this election is over, if BO doesn't win -will his wife go down in the history books as Mama Obama?" I giggled quietly to myself all the way home.
Love to all!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Priceless..
(originally posted May 6, 2008)
I'm always tickled at Daniel's unique perspective on the world...and I often giggle at his literal understanding of things. Today, there were two prime examples - and I also remembered a third - that I want to share with you.
This afternoon, Daniel came home from school & his weekly folder was in his backpack. It contains all the graded papers from the previous week for me to look over & then sign the folder.
As I looked over his papers, I noticed that he'd made a 100 on his spelling test, but had missed the bonus question that she always gives them. As I read the question and his answer, I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I'll type out the question here. See if you can guess what his answer would be. Think literally.....
"If there are two weeks and three days left of school, counting today how many days do we have left?"
Any idea what his answer was? Okay, I'll tell you. His answer was "One day". Now, go read the question again...do it out loud, because he probably did....think literally.....do you see it?
"Counting today" equals ONE day - he counted ONLY that day.. For him to understand it, the problem should have read something like, Including today, all together how many days do we have left. I laughed out loud. Of course he got the answer wrong, but hey - he was right if you look at it literally!
THEN...I was watching "10 Years Younger" on TLC, and he was doing his V-Math on the computer. I didn't know he was paying any attention to the TV, but the host of the TV show said, "We're gonna help Lindsay break out of her shell." and Daniel said, "But she's not a MOLLUSK!"
And all of that reminded me of an incident last year...he was in Math class at school, and suddenly he stood up from his desk and headed out the door. His aide stopped him and said, "Where do you think you're going???" and he said, "But, my paper said to!" and she said, "Whaaa??" and he showed her his paper. It read, "Leave room to show your work." So, he was leaving the room!!
Hahahaha!! Is that a unique perspective on the world, or what?
I'm always tickled at Daniel's unique perspective on the world...and I often giggle at his literal understanding of things. Today, there were two prime examples - and I also remembered a third - that I want to share with you.
This afternoon, Daniel came home from school & his weekly folder was in his backpack. It contains all the graded papers from the previous week for me to look over & then sign the folder.
As I looked over his papers, I noticed that he'd made a 100 on his spelling test, but had missed the bonus question that she always gives them. As I read the question and his answer, I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I'll type out the question here. See if you can guess what his answer would be. Think literally.....
"If there are two weeks and three days left of school, counting today how many days do we have left?"
Any idea what his answer was? Okay, I'll tell you. His answer was "One day". Now, go read the question again...do it out loud, because he probably did....think literally.....do you see it?
"Counting today" equals ONE day - he counted ONLY that day.. For him to understand it, the problem should have read something like, Including today, all together how many days do we have left. I laughed out loud. Of course he got the answer wrong, but hey - he was right if you look at it literally!
THEN...I was watching "10 Years Younger" on TLC, and he was doing his V-Math on the computer. I didn't know he was paying any attention to the TV, but the host of the TV show said, "We're gonna help Lindsay break out of her shell." and Daniel said, "But she's not a MOLLUSK!"
And all of that reminded me of an incident last year...he was in Math class at school, and suddenly he stood up from his desk and headed out the door. His aide stopped him and said, "Where do you think you're going???" and he said, "But, my paper said to!" and she said, "Whaaa??" and he showed her his paper. It read, "Leave room to show your work." So, he was leaving the room!!
Hahahaha!! Is that a unique perspective on the world, or what?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Thinking today..
Been thinking today of how to "finish" my BLAHgs about our journey. I looked back over all the posts to make sure I'd remembered everything I wanted to tell you. As I looked over our story, I thought of all the families out there with stories similar to ours. I thought of all the wonderful parents that I've met "out there" with children with autism. Many of the families I know have children with fairly mild autism, like Daniel. But for many, their children are more severely affected. I don't pretend to fully understand what they go through every day. I can imagine that I have an idea, but autism is a spectrum condition, each end, each child, being vastly different from the other. My heart goes out to those parents who've never heard their child speak. I ache for the parents who see their child self-injure themselves in an attempt to escape the sensory pain they live in. When I pray for those in the autism community, it is these families who cause my heart to cry out most fervently. I can't truly know their pain, or their fears for the future of their children. Our story holds no candle in comparison to what they've gone through. They have my heart.
In the early days of our journey - even before his diagnosis, I turned to the internet for information and support. I didn't know anyone locally with an autistic child, so I searched out people who'd been there, done that, and could help me through all the days ahead. I found friends, true friends, who were there every time I signed on line with a question, fear, or just in pain. In the early days, there was Vikki - a wonderful mom who walked with me through Daniel's diagnosis. We'd sit up at night until 2 or 3 am "talking" via IM. We'd at first talk about autism, but then we'd begin to just enjoy each other's company - a respite from the medical, neurological, educational, and behavioral world we'd found ourselves flung into by autism. Many nights I would sit at the computer with my hand over my mouth to stifle my laughter so as not to wake my family. It was a world away from covering my mouth to hide my sobs. I needed that at the time. On the day I got Daniel's diagnosis, I came home & sat at the computer and typed out the diagnosis & sent it to Vikki. She replied with an e-mail - the subject line read: In Honor of Your Arrival... and the text of the e-mail was an article entitled "Welcome to Holland". Do a Google search for that title. You'll find it. Sadly, cancer and other things took Vikki away from the computer. She is a survivor, but no longer able to be on line. We've lost contact, and I still miss her. Perhaps someday...(Vikki, if you ever come across this blog & read it - I never DID find that screw I lost!)
I met other people on line who became very important parts of our journey. As we all posted on an autism message board, we were drawn to each other & soon began to send out group e-mails. We didn't focus on autism alone. We began to get to know each other & enjoy each other's friendship. We began to exchange photographs. During a group e-mail "conversation", we were discussing our pictures, and we all decided that we were some seriously Hot Mamas. During another group discussion, we all admitted that we're not perfect parents (imagine that!), and that we sometimes scream at our children (God forgive!). As a joke, one of the women - Donna - posted that we were the Screamin' Hot Mamas of America. (Was it America, Donna, or Autistics?) And THAT is how "SHMOA" came to be. We are: Donna (president, of course...after all - she named us! I've met Donna in person!), Patti, Tammy, Laura, Jeanna, Ginny, Liane, Paul (honorary SHMOA - bein's he's a dad & all), Carla, and me. Over the years, circumstances took some people away from SHMOA (and we still miss them!) - they are: Leah, Kim, Molly, Billie, Teal (whom I've met in person as well!) and Laelah. All of these people were a life-line to me in those early days. Today, they're my friends....and a monument to the resiliency of the human spirit! So many stories I could tell you about what these people have gone through - are going through - with autism, or even within their daily lives, apart from the autism. We have walked together through diagnosis, deaths, cancer, MS diagnosis, RA diagnosis, divorce, abuse, cross-country moves, job losses, new jobs, transfers, IEP meetings, due process hearings, regressions, progresses (sometimes leaps and bounds!), miracles, and heartbreak. These women (and man!) are representatives of what has grown to be a very large community - the autism community; families affected in one way or another, to one degree or another, by autism. Today, there are 1.5 million families in America who are affected by autism. 1 in 150 children are diagnosed with autism. I read somewhere that that's one every 24 minutes.
Our story is a rain drop in an ocean of stories out there. We are blessed. So many out there struggle far more than we ever have, or ever will. When you pray for us, please pray for them. These children are precious - each and every one of them. If you'd like to commit to praying for children with autism and their families, you can receive daily prayers/prayer points from Children of Destiny. (.org, I think it is)
Thank you for taking the time to read our journey. Typing it out for you has been a wonderful reminder to me of all the ways in which God has blessed my family. I've smiled, remembering. I've even shed a tear or two - but not a single one has been a tear of sadness. How marvelous & faithful is our God?!?!
If you have any questions that I can try to answer, feel free to ask. You won't offend or bother me.
God bless you!
In the early days of our journey - even before his diagnosis, I turned to the internet for information and support. I didn't know anyone locally with an autistic child, so I searched out people who'd been there, done that, and could help me through all the days ahead. I found friends, true friends, who were there every time I signed on line with a question, fear, or just in pain. In the early days, there was Vikki - a wonderful mom who walked with me through Daniel's diagnosis. We'd sit up at night until 2 or 3 am "talking" via IM. We'd at first talk about autism, but then we'd begin to just enjoy each other's company - a respite from the medical, neurological, educational, and behavioral world we'd found ourselves flung into by autism. Many nights I would sit at the computer with my hand over my mouth to stifle my laughter so as not to wake my family. It was a world away from covering my mouth to hide my sobs. I needed that at the time. On the day I got Daniel's diagnosis, I came home & sat at the computer and typed out the diagnosis & sent it to Vikki. She replied with an e-mail - the subject line read: In Honor of Your Arrival... and the text of the e-mail was an article entitled "Welcome to Holland". Do a Google search for that title. You'll find it. Sadly, cancer and other things took Vikki away from the computer. She is a survivor, but no longer able to be on line. We've lost contact, and I still miss her. Perhaps someday...(Vikki, if you ever come across this blog & read it - I never DID find that screw I lost!)
I met other people on line who became very important parts of our journey. As we all posted on an autism message board, we were drawn to each other & soon began to send out group e-mails. We didn't focus on autism alone. We began to get to know each other & enjoy each other's friendship. We began to exchange photographs. During a group e-mail "conversation", we were discussing our pictures, and we all decided that we were some seriously Hot Mamas. During another group discussion, we all admitted that we're not perfect parents (imagine that!), and that we sometimes scream at our children (God forgive!). As a joke, one of the women - Donna - posted that we were the Screamin' Hot Mamas of America. (Was it America, Donna, or Autistics?) And THAT is how "SHMOA" came to be. We are: Donna (president, of course...after all - she named us! I've met Donna in person!), Patti, Tammy, Laura, Jeanna, Ginny, Liane, Paul (honorary SHMOA - bein's he's a dad & all), Carla, and me. Over the years, circumstances took some people away from SHMOA (and we still miss them!) - they are: Leah, Kim, Molly, Billie, Teal (whom I've met in person as well!) and Laelah. All of these people were a life-line to me in those early days. Today, they're my friends....and a monument to the resiliency of the human spirit! So many stories I could tell you about what these people have gone through - are going through - with autism, or even within their daily lives, apart from the autism. We have walked together through diagnosis, deaths, cancer, MS diagnosis, RA diagnosis, divorce, abuse, cross-country moves, job losses, new jobs, transfers, IEP meetings, due process hearings, regressions, progresses (sometimes leaps and bounds!), miracles, and heartbreak. These women (and man!) are representatives of what has grown to be a very large community - the autism community; families affected in one way or another, to one degree or another, by autism. Today, there are 1.5 million families in America who are affected by autism. 1 in 150 children are diagnosed with autism. I read somewhere that that's one every 24 minutes.
Our story is a rain drop in an ocean of stories out there. We are blessed. So many out there struggle far more than we ever have, or ever will. When you pray for us, please pray for them. These children are precious - each and every one of them. If you'd like to commit to praying for children with autism and their families, you can receive daily prayers/prayer points from Children of Destiny. (.org, I think it is)
Thank you for taking the time to read our journey. Typing it out for you has been a wonderful reminder to me of all the ways in which God has blessed my family. I've smiled, remembering. I've even shed a tear or two - but not a single one has been a tear of sadness. How marvelous & faithful is our God?!?!
If you have any questions that I can try to answer, feel free to ask. You won't offend or bother me.
God bless you!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
To Give Credit Where Credit is Due...
Okay, so in my month's (well, half-month) worth of autism awareness BLAHgs, I've mentioned a couple of times about crossing over the Bridge of Nevertheless. I need to give credit where it is due. That is NOT "my" terminology or idea. On December 10, 2001 - the day I found the information on the internet that pointed me toward autism - I received an e-mail (within a few minutes of finding the autism info) from Spirit-led Woman entitled The Bridge of Nevertheless. I still have it, although I can't currently locate it. (Don't ask!) Anyway, it talked about how when God allows things in our life, or asks us to do things that we don't want to do that it's okay to tell God why we're not the person for the job, it's okay to argue with Him as if trying to convince Him to choose someone else. But, in the end, it's our obedience that He truly wants and we must cross over the Bridge of Nevertheless.
I don't think I've ever gotten a more timely e-mail. It truly ministered to me that day & I've never forgotten it.
When I find it, I'll tell you who wrote it. But - just so ya know...it tweren't me.
I don't think I've ever gotten a more timely e-mail. It truly ministered to me that day & I've never forgotten it.
When I find it, I'll tell you who wrote it. But - just so ya know...it tweren't me.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Letter continued...
"Do I still pray for Daniel's healing? Absolutely. Do I believe beyond a doubt that God is able to heal him? Completely. Do I believe that God created Daniel exactly as he is for a specific purpose? Wondrously. Do I trust Him to fulfill His Will for Daniel, and for our family? Wholeheartedly. God is God. I'm not. I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future, and that's enough for me. I still get angry, I still get frustrated, I still pray for healing. But I rarely question why God hasn't healed him - and I guess it's because God has healed ME for the most part. I don't try to claim that there don't come days when those questions don't arise. If Daniel someday hurts because he realizes how different he is, I'll hurt along with him. And when Daniel dreams his own dreams for his future, I'll dream right along with him....if his dreams get shattered, I'll try to help him find his kaleidoscope, too.
In the meantime, I have so many wonderful memories of little victories applauded. I remember our very first actual conversation (it was about frogs). I remember so many times when Daniel's matter of factness was incredibly hilarious, and he realized that he'd "made a joke" (yes, he says that JUST like Rain Man did!) & laughed harder than anyone, even though he didn't realize what he had said. I remember the times when he has literally made a joke, knowing full well what he was saying. Twice in the past week, he's cracked us all up or melted our hearts..
Once Davey asked, "Mom, if you're riding a bike around a pool, and you fall in, what happens?" and quicker than a flash, Daniel answered, "You get wet." And we all just crumbled in heaps of hilarity.
Yesterday was Davey's birthday. I made him a heart shaped cake. When it was time to cut it, both boys were standing beside me with plates in hands eagerly awaiting their slice. As I began to cut the cake, Daniel said, "Mom, you're breakin' my heart. Y'get it? You're breaking my heart!" We lost it and I almost dropped the slice I was serving!
Just today, he got into the car after school. I usually pack his lunch, and two snacks every day. He has to have a snack after P.E. because his blood sugar drops & he can't focus during the class following P.E. Today, he told me, "Mom, this morning, I gave one of my fruit roll-ups to John F. (a boy in his class from a very poor local family). He got to school late and couldn't go to the lunchroom for breakfast and he was hungry, so I gave him one of my fruit roll-ups." How sweet is that? I can't tell you how many times I've read/heard that people with autism lack the ability to empathize and show compassion. Not if God is in the picture!
One day several weeks ago, I was watching a video on line of one of my support group friends working with her severely autistic son doing school work using a new teaching method (Rapid Prompting Method). His name is D----, and he rocks and makes noises as he works. Daniel heard the sounds D was making and came over to check out what I was watching. After a few minutes, he said something like, "What's he doing?" and I said, "He's learning. His mommy is teaching him." and he said, "What's he doing, though?" (I realized he was meaning the sounds D was making.) and I said, "He's making sounds. He likes the way it sounds, so he makes those sounds to help himself stay calm." And Daniel asked me, "What's wrong with him?" and I said, "He has autism." Daniel replied, "Like me? I have autism." I said, "Yes, like you, but his autism makes it harder for him to learn that it does for you. He's doing his school work with his mommy. Your autism isn't like his; you get to go to school." He said, "Yeah..." and walked off. Then, he said as he sat back down on the couch, "It's because I have autism in Jesus." I sobbed. He's right. He has autism in Jesus. No way that's a bad thing!
He's got an incredible sense of humor, he's an amazing artist, and he's the most tender-hearted child I've ever known. He wept as he watched a video of mine and Joel's wedding. God has created something beautiful out of something that could have destroyed all of us, if we'd let it. Many, many families are destroyed when autism comes into their lives. We just chose instead to cross the Bridge of Nevertheless, and trust God's Plan for us. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.
I hope that answers your questions, and helps you see that we're not some super-spiritual, ain't nuthin' gonna faze us Christians. (Although we aspire to one day be!) We're just a mommy, and a daddy, and a big brother, who love a very special little fella a whole lot, and love a very great and big God even more. Simple."
"P.S. A couple of other things God has shown me.... One day while reading my Bible, I came across a verse in Hosea - "I will make the valley of trouble a door of hope." and He has faithfully kept that precious promise.
And one night I had a dream in which I very clearly heard the words, "The child has autism. Autism doesn't have the child." Interestingly, a few months later, I was browsing around on an autism website that I'd never visited before, and I came across those very words typed by another mother on the other side of the world. God is a good God....and really big. "
In the meantime, I have so many wonderful memories of little victories applauded. I remember our very first actual conversation (it was about frogs). I remember so many times when Daniel's matter of factness was incredibly hilarious, and he realized that he'd "made a joke" (yes, he says that JUST like Rain Man did!) & laughed harder than anyone, even though he didn't realize what he had said. I remember the times when he has literally made a joke, knowing full well what he was saying. Twice in the past week, he's cracked us all up or melted our hearts..
Once Davey asked, "Mom, if you're riding a bike around a pool, and you fall in, what happens?" and quicker than a flash, Daniel answered, "You get wet." And we all just crumbled in heaps of hilarity.
Yesterday was Davey's birthday. I made him a heart shaped cake. When it was time to cut it, both boys were standing beside me with plates in hands eagerly awaiting their slice. As I began to cut the cake, Daniel said, "Mom, you're breakin' my heart. Y'get it? You're breaking my heart!" We lost it and I almost dropped the slice I was serving!
Just today, he got into the car after school. I usually pack his lunch, and two snacks every day. He has to have a snack after P.E. because his blood sugar drops & he can't focus during the class following P.E. Today, he told me, "Mom, this morning, I gave one of my fruit roll-ups to John F. (a boy in his class from a very poor local family). He got to school late and couldn't go to the lunchroom for breakfast and he was hungry, so I gave him one of my fruit roll-ups." How sweet is that? I can't tell you how many times I've read/heard that people with autism lack the ability to empathize and show compassion. Not if God is in the picture!
One day several weeks ago, I was watching a video on line of one of my support group friends working with her severely autistic son doing school work using a new teaching method (Rapid Prompting Method). His name is D----, and he rocks and makes noises as he works. Daniel heard the sounds D was making and came over to check out what I was watching. After a few minutes, he said something like, "What's he doing?" and I said, "He's learning. His mommy is teaching him." and he said, "What's he doing, though?" (I realized he was meaning the sounds D was making.) and I said, "He's making sounds. He likes the way it sounds, so he makes those sounds to help himself stay calm." And Daniel asked me, "What's wrong with him?" and I said, "He has autism." Daniel replied, "Like me? I have autism." I said, "Yes, like you, but his autism makes it harder for him to learn that it does for you. He's doing his school work with his mommy. Your autism isn't like his; you get to go to school." He said, "Yeah..." and walked off. Then, he said as he sat back down on the couch, "It's because I have autism in Jesus." I sobbed. He's right. He has autism in Jesus. No way that's a bad thing!
He's got an incredible sense of humor, he's an amazing artist, and he's the most tender-hearted child I've ever known. He wept as he watched a video of mine and Joel's wedding. God has created something beautiful out of something that could have destroyed all of us, if we'd let it. Many, many families are destroyed when autism comes into their lives. We just chose instead to cross the Bridge of Nevertheless, and trust God's Plan for us. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.
I hope that answers your questions, and helps you see that we're not some super-spiritual, ain't nuthin' gonna faze us Christians. (Although we aspire to one day be!) We're just a mommy, and a daddy, and a big brother, who love a very special little fella a whole lot, and love a very great and big God even more. Simple."
"P.S. A couple of other things God has shown me.... One day while reading my Bible, I came across a verse in Hosea - "I will make the valley of trouble a door of hope." and He has faithfully kept that precious promise.
And one night I had a dream in which I very clearly heard the words, "The child has autism. Autism doesn't have the child." Interestingly, a few months later, I was browsing around on an autism website that I'd never visited before, and I came across those very words typed by another mother on the other side of the world. God is a good God....and really big. "
Monday, April 13, 2009
Open Letter to a Friend...
In March of 2006, I was sitting in Bible study at church. I don't remember the subject, but the person teaching the class was discussing when God doesn't seem to be answering a prayer of faith for healing and the questions we might ask. A friend came up after class and asked me if I ever question why God hasn't healed Daniel. I answered her, "Not really." and she seemed surprised. I wanted to tell her all I meant by that statement, but time just wouldn't allow it, so I left it at that.
Later, though, I knew that I needed to explain to her what I'd meant, so I wrote her a letter. I won't include the entire letter because much of it is just giving her the background of our journey - and you've already read that here. But, I'll share the part that caused me to answer her with, "Not really."
"So, I thought about your question, and knew that I needed to answer it - I didn't want you to think that I believe I'm some super Christian with hyper faith that will trust God without anger, fear, doubt, disappointment, etc. I struggle with all those things from time to time - I don't know anyone who doesn't, if they're honest. But, over the years since Daniel's diagnosis, God has taught me a few things, and so those are the things that keep me saying, "Not really" when someone asks me if I question God. I want to share those things with you, since you asked. "
"As time passed, we started getting Daniel the help he needed, and he began to progress, I began to turn my attention from focusing so much on his needs to realizing that I had needs of my own. I'd learned to speak up for Daniel with the school systems, learned some of the special education law, learned to respond instead of react when he did something (most of the time), learned to have a little compassion for the snotty clerk at the store because I didn't know what she faced at home...so many things I'd learned. But, I'd not faced what was happening inside of me. I'd not asked God the hard questions because I'd been so busy researching and working for Daniel. I'd not really allowed myself to go through a grieving process.
I went throught times where I thought autism is part of who Daniel is, and I wondered if I prayed for his healing, would I be asking God to kill some vital part of what made Daniel so uniquely Daniel. I went from wondering if it was even okay to seek a cure to wondering why there was no cure out there. I didn't dare dream of Daniel's future, because I didn't want to see that dream shatter - again.
I don't remember when it happened, I don't remember how it happened, but at some point, God began to work in me. I began to be angry from time to time and to question Him. It wasn't always there, but it popped up sometimes. I began to wonder what the future held. Sometimes I cried, especially when I faced an important meeting with the school, and I feared what they'd tell me. Or when I'd get so horribly frustrated with him & want to tear out my hair, then would be so appalled at the horrible mother I can be. But, I also began to see tiny miracles in our everyday life. And somewhere inside me, God placed a "picture"; one night just this past summer I was sitting at the computer, reading the autism message boards, a place I'd visited so many times before in the past few years, and one woman's post hit me. She was questioning her faith and how God could allow her son to have autism - he'd just been diagnosed. I sat down and began to respond to her, and as I did, I realized that I was typing down the "picture" that God had placed in my heart & He was healing me of the hurt, fear, and disappointment. I told her that God is the Kaleidoscope Maker.
We've all looked through a kaleidoscope. I don't mean the cheap, dollar store version. I mean a good quality, glass kaleidoscope. There's nothing like them. At some point, God had taken the shards of what I saw as shattered dreams for Daniel, and had created from them a kaleidoscope of beauty that I could not have imagined possible before his diagnosis. You know when you look through a kaleidoscope, you turn it, and the design created is so beautiful that you stop and look at it for a while? Then, you turn it and another design emerges, and you wonder if this one is your favorite, and how could the next one possibly be better? Then something happens, and you find yourself turning the kaleidoscope again, and yet another pattern falls into place and while you miss the old pattern, you realize it's gone forever and this one is quite beautiful, too, and maybe IT is your favorite after all?
Well, that's how autism is. And that's how God is with autism - or any shattered dream. I look through the kaleidoscope at the beautiful thing that God has created of my shattered dreams. I see progress in Daniel and growth, and a beautiful hope fills my heart. Then, I see a new behavior, some not before seen symptom of autism begin to manifest in Daniel, and I know that as he grows, he'll progress and regress until in early adulthood he'll settle into the level of functioning he'll carry his lifetime. The pattern in the kaleidoscope changes - no less beautiful, but different. Oh, maybe I like a little more green or yellow in the pattern than this one has, but I can't deny that the colors are spectacular as they are, and the pattern is exquisite and intricate. Without God's Hand in it, though, it would just be broken glass in a tube. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's God's Hand that makes it beautiful. Because I trust His Heart for Daniel, I trust that however the pattern turns, He will make it into something beautiful."
To be continued.....
Later, though, I knew that I needed to explain to her what I'd meant, so I wrote her a letter. I won't include the entire letter because much of it is just giving her the background of our journey - and you've already read that here. But, I'll share the part that caused me to answer her with, "Not really."
"So, I thought about your question, and knew that I needed to answer it - I didn't want you to think that I believe I'm some super Christian with hyper faith that will trust God without anger, fear, doubt, disappointment, etc. I struggle with all those things from time to time - I don't know anyone who doesn't, if they're honest. But, over the years since Daniel's diagnosis, God has taught me a few things, and so those are the things that keep me saying, "Not really" when someone asks me if I question God. I want to share those things with you, since you asked. "
"As time passed, we started getting Daniel the help he needed, and he began to progress, I began to turn my attention from focusing so much on his needs to realizing that I had needs of my own. I'd learned to speak up for Daniel with the school systems, learned some of the special education law, learned to respond instead of react when he did something (most of the time), learned to have a little compassion for the snotty clerk at the store because I didn't know what she faced at home...so many things I'd learned. But, I'd not faced what was happening inside of me. I'd not asked God the hard questions because I'd been so busy researching and working for Daniel. I'd not really allowed myself to go through a grieving process.
I went throught times where I thought autism is part of who Daniel is, and I wondered if I prayed for his healing, would I be asking God to kill some vital part of what made Daniel so uniquely Daniel. I went from wondering if it was even okay to seek a cure to wondering why there was no cure out there. I didn't dare dream of Daniel's future, because I didn't want to see that dream shatter - again.
I don't remember when it happened, I don't remember how it happened, but at some point, God began to work in me. I began to be angry from time to time and to question Him. It wasn't always there, but it popped up sometimes. I began to wonder what the future held. Sometimes I cried, especially when I faced an important meeting with the school, and I feared what they'd tell me. Or when I'd get so horribly frustrated with him & want to tear out my hair, then would be so appalled at the horrible mother I can be. But, I also began to see tiny miracles in our everyday life. And somewhere inside me, God placed a "picture"; one night just this past summer I was sitting at the computer, reading the autism message boards, a place I'd visited so many times before in the past few years, and one woman's post hit me. She was questioning her faith and how God could allow her son to have autism - he'd just been diagnosed. I sat down and began to respond to her, and as I did, I realized that I was typing down the "picture" that God had placed in my heart & He was healing me of the hurt, fear, and disappointment. I told her that God is the Kaleidoscope Maker.
We've all looked through a kaleidoscope. I don't mean the cheap, dollar store version. I mean a good quality, glass kaleidoscope. There's nothing like them. At some point, God had taken the shards of what I saw as shattered dreams for Daniel, and had created from them a kaleidoscope of beauty that I could not have imagined possible before his diagnosis. You know when you look through a kaleidoscope, you turn it, and the design created is so beautiful that you stop and look at it for a while? Then, you turn it and another design emerges, and you wonder if this one is your favorite, and how could the next one possibly be better? Then something happens, and you find yourself turning the kaleidoscope again, and yet another pattern falls into place and while you miss the old pattern, you realize it's gone forever and this one is quite beautiful, too, and maybe IT is your favorite after all?
Well, that's how autism is. And that's how God is with autism - or any shattered dream. I look through the kaleidoscope at the beautiful thing that God has created of my shattered dreams. I see progress in Daniel and growth, and a beautiful hope fills my heart. Then, I see a new behavior, some not before seen symptom of autism begin to manifest in Daniel, and I know that as he grows, he'll progress and regress until in early adulthood he'll settle into the level of functioning he'll carry his lifetime. The pattern in the kaleidoscope changes - no less beautiful, but different. Oh, maybe I like a little more green or yellow in the pattern than this one has, but I can't deny that the colors are spectacular as they are, and the pattern is exquisite and intricate. Without God's Hand in it, though, it would just be broken glass in a tube. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's God's Hand that makes it beautiful. Because I trust His Heart for Daniel, I trust that however the pattern turns, He will make it into something beautiful."
To be continued.....
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