Hrmph.

Hrmph. Just hrmph. This being said with a look of utter disgust on my face - you should put one on your face as well. You know...become one with the message....empathize with my vexation...put yourself in my shoes...

So, of late, I've noticed that my arms have begun to decrease in length. I'm not sure when it began happening, but it happened so subtly that my shirts apparently shrunk in direct proportion because my sleeves still fit correctly. Which, really, is very convenient. I imagine it's how the Hebrew children felt when their clothes didn't wear out for 40 years. (Seriously, don't you think those 40 year old men looked silly in schoolboy knickers that still fit?) But, I digress....
Along with my shortening arm length, I also began to notice that my head ached more often than usual, children & husband notwithstanding. (I've also noticed quite a few more white hairs sproinging up out of my chocolate locks, but that's another blahg entirely.)

Along with my shortening arm length and aching head, I noticed that when, say, in church, and I would look down at my Bible and then up at Pastor Brett, my vision would be slightly blurred. I'd become convinced that Pastor Brett had found some way to have that Doris Day halo effect around him permanently. How quaint.

Along with my shortening arm length, my aching head, and Pastor's halo, I noticed that when driving, cars coming toward me on the highway caused my eyes to hurt much like looking out the side window and trying to focus on rapidly passing trees would do. Hmm...

Perplexed, I decided to do the utterly ridiculous and go to the eye doctor to make sure that they were still brown. I arrived, and for some reason they tested my vision (go figure!). They told me something that is completely insane...they said that I have 20/20 vision......at a distance. But - as things get closer to me, my eyes cannot focus. And then.....and then...

AND THEN!!! He said to me, "You need bifocals along with regular glasses for your farsightedness." I said, "Well, of course, I'm far too young for bifocals." and scoffingly laughed at his obvious lack of experience whilst contemplating a malpractice suit. And he replied...actually said OUT LOUD...to ME...right there in that room. Right there in that room within kicking distance of my size 8's the whippersnapper said...."Oh, you're plenty old enough for bifocals." GASP!!! WHAT??? WHAT???

Can you BELIEVE that? ME? At 4murmur years old, I'm PLENTY old enough for bifocals???? Why, why, why....I never!

Sigh. Hrmph. So, I did the unthinkable, and ordered (sob) glasses. They're cute glasses. They're very Sarah Palin-ish. I'll look like a librarian...I don't think I can carry the naughty librarian look, but perhaps I'll look not so much bookish as intelligent.....so, in two weeks when you see me in my new glasses, please don't laugh. And please don't put anything in my path because I might trip over it as I learn to walk in progressive lenses - what? You thought I actually ordered BIFOCALS?!?!?!? Hahahahahaaaa!! Oh, naive one......

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go scrub my dentures, change my Depends, and take a nap.
Hrmph.